i got up early this morning and took leland in to the paw patch. dr simpson looked at his mouth and confirmed that "a couple of those teeth are probably going to have to come out today." he gave me an estimate for $542.64, which includes vaccinations. they're going to put him under, clean his teeth, probably pull a couple of those teeth, remove the growth, and pray he wakes back up.

dr simpson called me a few minutes ago to re-confirm that i wanted to go ahead with the procedure. with leland's heart condition and other health problems, giving him general anesthesia is a bit dangerous. dr simpson was concerned enough that he called an anesthesiologist at IUPUI, who agreed there was a "significant risk" and gave dr simpson some recommendations for how to make the procedure as safe as possible. so dr simpson wanted to be sure i understood that there was a chance that leland will not wake up today. he also wanted to assure me that they will be as safe as they can, and that he thinks leland's teeth, in the condition they're in, are probably causing him a lot of pain. "cats keep their pain close to their chests" he said, or something like that.

i told him to go ahead with the procedure. dr simpson thought i was making the right decision, the decision he would make for his cat.

of course i knew that there was some chance leland could die—the nurse told me there could be problems anesthetizing him before i even set up the appointment. but hearing the doctor tell me so straight up—"if we do this, there's a chance leland won't wake up"—was still distressing. my voice broke as i told him to go ahead. i started crying as soon as i hung up the phone. and the crying comes back in waves, ebbing and flowing as my mind wanders.

i didn't post first thing this morning because originally i intended to post about everything when i got the call that leland had woken up from the anesthetic. but now i'm a little freaked out. i needed to vent. and i didn't want my first post about this today to have to be "leland died in recovery"... shit, i can barely stand to type that.

i'm going to try to keep my spirits up. i should know within a few hours whether he's going to make it. dammit, what am i saying... he is going to make it! he has to.¶